101 - Analogies, Metaphors & Anecdotes

The Weekends over back to the Grindstone

2006-10-02T01:38:00.000-07:00

Well another week begings and to kick it off here is a site with some useful tools :-

http://www.bullshitbingo.net/cards/

I'm sure some of these will come in handy.... Don't forget to shout HOUSE!!

New Media and the WEB

2006-09-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

A Brief Guide to “New Media Marketing”

What follows is a dramatization of how things like this happen.

TV EXEC: Okay, we’re set to launch our multi-platform 40 bajillion dollar media marketing blitz to make sure every single soul in America understands that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is Must Motherf*cking See TV. But what about these iBlogs and MyTubes and YouSpaces I keep hearing about on the World Wide Webernets. Is there anything we can do with that stuff?

TV EXEC 2: What’s a blog?

TV EXEC: Hmm, I have no idea. (hits button on phone) Joshua!

ASSISTANT (over intercom): Yes sir?

TV EXEC: You know anything about the bloggernet?

ASSISTANT: What?

TV EXEC: The bloggers. Do you read any of them?

ASSISTANT: Uh, Defamer sometimes - mostly just to make sure you’re not in it - but never while I’m busy or working. Sir.

TV EXEC: Defamer, eh? That’s what all the kids are click-scrollin’, is it? Alright, let’s figure out a way to steal it and use it to promote the show.

ASSISTANT: What do you –

TV EXEC: You’re a bloggernetter now, Joshua - get going! Do it up!

ASSISTANT: But I –

TV EXEC: Go! (hits phone button again) Gentlemen, that’s what’s known as “New Media Marketing”.

Day 4 - AMA

2006-09-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

Well after a few discussions turns out that Analogies & Metaphors is not enough and maybe we should introduce some Anecdotes (AMA). It has also been noted that previous posts fit one of these...

So here we go with a few you decide which (AMA) slot they fit:-

Conservative Member of Parliament Geoffrey Dickens tells of attending a fair in his constituency and being followed around by a sweet but exceptionally ugly woman whom he couldn't get rid of.

A few days later he got an admiring letter from her asking for his photograph, and signed, after her name, "(Horseface)."

Dickens was touched by her humorous modesty and sent off a picture autographed, "To Horseface, with best wishes, Geoffrey Dickens."

Some time later his secretary asked him, "Did you get that letter from the woman at the fair? I wrote 'Horseface' after her name so you'd know which one she was."

Wise old Mule

One day a farmer's donkey fell into a well. The farmer frantically thought what to do as the stricken animal cried out to be rescued. With no obvious solution, the farmer regretfully concluded that as the donkey was old, and as the well needed to be filled in anyway, he should give up the idea of rescuing the beast, and simply fill in the well. Hopefully the poor animal would not suffer too much, he tried to persuade himself.

The farmer asked his neighbours help, and before long they all began to shovel earth quickly into the well. When the donkey realised what was happening he wailed and struggled, but then, to everyone's relief, the noise stopped.

After a while the farmer looked down into the well and was astonished by what he saw. The donkey was still alive, and progressing towards the top of the well. The donkey had discovered that by shaking off the dirt instead of letting it cover him, he could keep stepping on top of the earth as the level rose. Soon the donkey was able to step up over the edge of the well, and he happily trotted off.

Life tends to shovel dirt on top of each of us from time to time. The trick is to shake it off and take a step up.

A Consultants Tale

A shepherd was tending his flock in a field, when a new sports car screeched to a stop on the road nearby in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in expensive designer clothes and sunglasses, leans out of the window and shouts over to the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have here, can I take one?"

The shepherd looks up slowly up at the young man, then looks at his peaceful flock, and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The young man steps out of his car holding a state-of-the-art palmtop pda, with which he proceeds to connects to a series of websites, first calling up satellite navigation system to pinpoint his location, then keying in the location to generate an ultra-high resolution picture of the field. After emailing the photo to an image processing facility, the processed data is returned, which he then feeds into an online database, and enters the parameters for a report. Within another few seconds a miniature printer in the car produces a full colour report containing several pages of analysis and results. The young man studies the data for a few more seconds and returns to the shepherd.

"You have exactly one-thousand five-hundred and eighty-six sheep, including three rams, and seven-hundred and twenty-two lambs."

"That's right," says the shepherd, mildly impressed. "Well, I guess that means you get to take one of my sheep."

The young man makes his choice and loads the animal onto the back seat of his car, at which the shepherd says, almost as an afterthought, "Hey there, if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man, feeling confident, agrees.

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow, that's right," says the young man, taken aback, "How did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd, "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You took a fee for giving me an answer that already know, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog."

Day - 3 With a little twist...

2006-09-27T02:29:00.000-07:00

A few posts over the last few days so decided to drop in few funnies (supposedly true stories - probably heard them before) :-

Judging People?

Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her the kiss of life and saved her.

The next day happened to be Fred's annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, "Fred, I have some good news and some bad news: the good news is that in light of your heroic act yesterday we consider that you are sane and can be released from this home back into society. The bad news is, I'm afraid, that Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself in the bathroom with the belt from her bathrobe. I'm sorry but she's dead"

"She didn't hang herself," Fred replied, "I put her there to dry."

negotiations & Communication?

A zoo had among its animals a female gorilla, whose mood was becoming increasingly difficult. The vet concluded that she was on heat and that a mate should be found. The vet contacted some other nearby zoos to find a partner for the broody female, but to no avail. The female gorilla's behavior continued to worsen, but the vet noticed that she grew calmer, and strangely responsive, whenever a particularly well-built and none-too-handsome keeper entered the enclosure. Being an unprincipled and adventurous fellow, the vet put an outrageous proposition to the keeper: For a fee of five hundred pounds would the keeper consider spending a little 'quality time' with the gorilla, purely in the interests of research of course?....

The keeper, also an unprincipled and adventurous fellow, pondered the suggestion, and after a few minutes agreed to the offer, subject to three conditions. The vet, intrigued, listened to the keeper's demands:

"First," the keeper said, "No kissing."

"Fine," said the vet.

"Second, no-one must ever know - if this gets out I'll kill you."

"You have my word," said the vet, "And your final condition?"

"It's just," said the keeper a little awkwardly, "Can I have a couple of weeks to raise the five hundred quid?"

Public Speaking ?

After twenty-five years in the same parish, Father O'Shaunessey was saying his farewells at his retirement dinner. An eminent member of the congregation - a leading politician - had been asked to make a presentation and a short speech, but was late arriving.

So the priest took it upon himself to fill the time, and stood up to the microphone:

"I remember the first confession I heard here twenty-five years ago and it worried me as to what sort of place I'd come to... That first confession remains the worst I've ever heard. The chap confessed that he'd stolen a TV set from a neighbour and lied to the police when questioned, successfully blaming it on a local scallywag. He said that he'd stolen money from his parents and from his employer; that he'd had affairs with several of his friends' wives; that he'd taken hard drugs, and had slept with his sister and given her VD. You can imagine what I thought... However I'm pleased to say that as the days passed I soon realised that this sad fellow was a frightful exception and that this parish was indeed a wonderful place full of kind and decent people..."

At this point the politician arrived and apologised for being late, and keen to take the stage, he immediately stepped up to the microphone and pulled his speech from his pocket:

"I'll always remember when Father O'Shaunessey first came to our parish," said the politician, "In fact, I'm pretty certain that I was the first person in the parish that he heard in confession....."

On your marks get set...

2006-09-25T03:26:00.000-07:00

Thought I would start with a few just to get the list growing (apologies as I know that these are metaphors but they fit in with the rest of the theme re what people have said)...

Just had a thought it will be interesting to see how people interpret these so post your definitions may get some funny ones...

Keep your powder dry.
Never wrestle with a pig .
Run the hobby horse round the paddock.
Lock and Load.

many more to follow...

Day 1 - The Mission Begins...

2006-09-25T03:08:00.000-07:00

In light of various books and articles about being succesful in Business and how to get ahead in Business. I have decided to launch this blog to try and capture and share what works and doesn't work ....

The title comes from my observations that certain people who seem to do well always have an anology/metaphor relevant to a certain aspect of work (okay sometimes not always relevant)...

So the mission should you choose to accept it... is to share your thoughts and ideas plus contribute your own analogies, just to see if what I have observed over the years is unique to me or is there a global theme?